I know, I know….I’ve already vented about my reduced supply of breast milk, and every day it becomes more apparent that weaning is my only option since supply is so low. It makes me feel sad and that in itself is just weird. I look back to before Dani being born and I knew I wanted to breast feed for one year, one simple year. The day she was born, her first nursing went so well, all my hopes and dreams were secured, until that evening when she nursed poorly (that time and thereafter for months). The nurses informed me that at her size, she just was burning more calories trying to nurse (small mouth, big mom, you get the idea) than she was getting, formula was key at this point. At the time I was all for it, I wanted to nurse but I wanted my baby to grow and be healthy so I was all in for formula. Plus, a week after nursing and experiencing the general difficulty of breast feeding, my 1 year goal went to one week, then two weeks, then one month, then two months, finally 3 months, then to 6 months….so why does not making it to one year bother me so?
A friend recently noted that her son weaned himself from breast feeding and she wishes she would have paid attention to that last nursing, but she just didn’t know that was going to be it. I feel the same way because I don’t even recall Dani’s last nursing. I would guess it was overnight because that is when she nursed. I would guess it was short because she typically would wake around 2:00 am to get a sip of milk. I would guess she fell asleep in my arms and I sat there not wanting to move her but would have been so tired I eventually gave in and put her back in her crib. So now, the things I will remember about this ending are the times I cried over little production and the odd/sad feeling about missing the “Mother’s Room” at work and all the times I walked in there and took a sigh of relief to get away from my desk. What odd things to remember for such a lovely thing associated with being a mother?
A former coworker wrote a blog recently about her HOK departure and quoted the song Closing Time, where essentially every new beginning is some other beginnings end, and I completely understood her. It’s sadness and it’s happiness all wrapped together. On one hand, I will miss nursing, I will miss my work breaks, I will miss the nourishment I give to Dani, I will miss the empowering feeling of giving Dani something that only I can give her, and I will miss excuse in general (“no, I can’t do that, I have to pump in forty-five”). On the other hand, I will not miss clunking around a bag of equipment and a bag of bottles like a true bag lady, I will not miss the 3-4 hour binding schedule ("no, I can't do that, I have to pump in forty-five"), I will not miss the stress of low production, and I will not miss the sore boobs and their “baggy” bra. So, really, what was once a new beginning in our lives is coming to end but is the beginning of a freedom I haven’t had since it started. Will this mean Dani will get sick more often, ear infections, miss mom's milk? Will she even notice?
It’s a hard thing to go through, I think all moms go through this. Moms that nursed miss the nursing, moms that bottle fed miss feeding the baby a bottle, moms who have 18 year old babies that are all grown up and going away to college/living on own and no longer "need mom" anymore; it’s hard, and it never gets easier so I'm told. So, sure, I still sit and cry about this, and sure, I still need all the encouragement and advice I can get, but in the end, it will end. I can only be proud that I made it this far, I’ll let the girls fizzle out to their tube-sock potential and see where the new chapter takes me.
Thanks to the moms/people that have chimed in (whether you know it or not), I appreciate the advice and stories. It makes me feel less alone, more like I am a mom going through the turbulent waters, less like a whiny baby, and more like I am doing the right thing either choice I make.
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