First Babysitter

Yesterday we received the phone call that my Uncle Chris (my dad's baby brother) was in the hospital. We wanted to go up and see him but I was too worried about taking Dani to the hospital and was just too tired to figure out a way to go otherwise. In fact, the frustration of being tired carried over into the wee hours of the morning when I yelled at Chris and cried for what seemed like hours because Dani spit up all the contents of her milk and I had none to spare. A major glitch in the road of breast feeding by bottle that makes a mom feel completely inadequate at caring for her baby. We're still working at this...

So, today, it worked out such that my mom came to the house and watched Dani. Knowing that Chris and I would have some time to get some errands ran, we made it a big day of task completing by visiting Uncle Chris in the hospital, running some errands, and picking up some items from stores. It seemed to go all right. I got things ready for my mom, got my things ready, took 15 minutes to walk out the door, cried as we drove down the street and even got a little teary eyed telling Uncle Chris and visiting family that this was my first real time away from Dano-Dano! She was in good hands, and she would certainly be spoiled while I was away so I had no worries, but I missed the girl.



Alas, we all made it through the first baby sitting episode. I even managed to pick up a toy for the dogs to share. Even more interesting, I managed to pump while in the truck heading from one store to the next (and even while in the drive through at Walgreen's)!

Also today I got a really cute Christmas sleeper for Dani (preemie size!). I think it came from Chris' sister but I'm not sure. Anyway, if it did, Thank You Barbi, thus far all of her Christmas gear is a wee bit too large and therefore not best suited for Christmas pictures to send out. I also received a package of items from friend Maureen, Thank You! I'm glad Penelope is a month ahead of Dani, hand-me-downs are great!

I was asked today to describe Dani in one word. The first word to come to mind was gassy. No lady should ever have to be labeled gassy so I let my mind dig deeper. I thought of things like priceless, beautiful, unblemished, peaceful, angelic, and so on. As I imagine all moms would describe their babies this way, I dug a little deeper and tried to go with that which describes her personality. The word I chose was tenacious. I chose this because I had to think back to her birth. No matter what the doctors said, she was choosing to come at her own time! No matter what the doctors said about her weight, she was determined to prove a teeny baby like herself was extremely healthy (9/10 on her APGARs). She chooses when she sleeps (and therefore everyone else) and will hold her head up when she darn well decides to do so! Anyway, this is part of a family project and I will be excited to see the outcome!

Now, a quick picture to leave you with... [thanks Aunt Eva]

Kissy Faces and Wide Eyed Stares

One of the absolute coolest things about being a new mom is watching Dani grow up everyday. Having had the opportunity to watch her for most of the hours since her birth I've watched her grow out of her snorting phase and into a wide eyed admiration stage and only in 3 weeks.

It's true that Dani used to snort and sometimes will still snort when she gets very fussy and upset. She outgrew the regular snorting very quickly but has maintained her squeakiness. In fact, the inspiration to write at this moment was hearing her squeak from a different room. I have to admit that even her hiccups are the cutest sounding thing I might have ever heard!

There are a lot of people who claim to have never seen her eyes. It's true that she keeps them closed most of the time, but I've watched her go from opening only one eye (her right eye) to subtle squints to wide eyed stares. She's seeing things better so when her eyes are open, she stares around in amazement at everything she can get to take a look at; I'm certain her favorite objects are ceiling fans though I have no idea just how well she can see them. Yesterday at Grandma and Grandpa Spann's for Thanksgiving, she was quite content staring at a blue afghan hanging on the back of the sofa. I love watching her take it all in; seeing this huge place she was born unto!



I've learned to learn her idiosyncrasies such as her suckling motion and "kissy face" which indicates she wants food, now. She loves to stick her tongue out, and very frequently it comes out when she has gas or a bowel movement. When she sleeps, her facial expressions are at their highest of entertainment going from a frown to a pout to a grin that's worth dying for! Watching her sleep is one of my favorite things to do.

There is no denying that my Dano-Dano is growing up. It can be seen in her clothes whose sleeves now fit her arms (I used to have to roll them twice). Take a look while she's in the car seat and you can see that her head is now higher in the seat. Even though we've had the discussion about her growing up...it looks like she's just going to grow despite me even learning to hold her head up already and to roll to her side (thankfully not all the way over yet).





While I can't wait to see all the things she will learn and to see her interact with the world, I have to admit, it will break my heart to watch her grow up just as it did when I looked at Riley and Bella one day and saw that they were no longer puppies.



Anyway, just a quick update on things...

Dani's first Thanksgiving was spent at Chris' parents. We weren't there long, but it was a nice low key Thanksgiving. I was too worried to take her around too many people and to travel too far. While there, a storm blew through. In Granite City, they had snow; Collinsville had some ice. We had to warm the truck up for 30 minutes to leave the house. Afterward, I made Chris stop by Walgreen's so I could pick up essentials, I was thankful that they were open!

Dani had another episode of constipation and made it almost 72 hours without a good bowel movement. She cried profusely and then so did I. It's terrible not being able to fix something that hurts her. But, I can tell she had a good healthy poo since she's sleeping soundly instead of crying every hour.



We are making a slow transition from breast milk and formula to just breast milk. I think the formula might be what is causing the problem.

Eva stopped by today after making it to Target for me. I needed to pick up some more breast pump accessories (simply to make pumping easier for me at 3 a.m. by not having to wash everything). I was too afraid to make it out to Target on Black Friday, but Eva did a drive by and saw that it looked decent. So alas, she went in, got the goods and even stopped by Taco Bell on her way here to feed us. The most important part of the trip to our house though, was to give Dano-Dano her new bully dog cap! Too Cute!! Thanks Aunt Eva!




Last Wednesday my mom had to come to my house to watch Dani so I could get a couple of hours of sleep. Chris came home from work early (his last day at Pillar Design Group) and brought food, but I slept through it. Chris even got a nap in before I awoke and relieved my mom. I can't thank her enough for those couple of hours! But of course I find my mom quite helpful and couldn't thank her enough for everything she has done. The amazing woman always brings treats for my four legged babies too when she visits!

Frustration

I should start this post by saying that there is nothing in the world that could change how excited and happy I am about my baby Dani. This post is rather, about the epiphany I had about why being a new mom is so frustrating.

There are a lot of factors that go into what make being a new mom so frustrating and depressing. It's not really the kid or just the baby blues alone. Yea, the non stop fussing, the lack of sleep, the constant spit up, the major change in hormones...those are all factors but not all of it. It in fact is really frustrating that there is nothing a mom can do to help her child with these things and that the crying for mom does not stop either!

For nearly 40 weeks a woman is center of everyone's attention. The spouse takes extra good care of her because she's carrying his child. Both sets of parents check in on mom frequently. If mom is lucky enough to have any issues with the doctors office she might be contacted daily by nurses, physicians, insurance case managers, etc. all wanting to know if mom has any questions. While it's completely annoying, it's good for mom to know that she's being watched especially in such an uncertain time for her (not really knowing what is good/bad safe/unsafe normal/problem). Coworkers ask daily how mom-to-be is feeling. Strangers ask about the baby (and then even more bizarre questions). The dogs know something is happening and want to be around mom as much as possible (maybe even trying to sit on mom's stomach). Mom has this thing that wriggles around inside her; slight flutters, kicks, nudges, rolls, and more. She knows she'll be different after the birth, she knows she'll be so happy to have the baby in her arms, she knows she won't miss the lung and bladder kicks and yet, she knows she'll miss every moment of it. For as long as she started feeling the movements, she was never alone always having her parasitic buddy right there touching her. For mom it's amazing to know that it takes years to design and build a new structure and yet only 40 weeks to make this perfect little being that hangs out with mom every single day.

Then there's things like help around the house and eating. Mom gets to ease into the role of being pregnant. She does her routine things and then slowly mom realizes that she just can't keep at it so dad chips in on those tasks. Eating is pleasurable as well. With some discretion, mom can eat whatever, whenever, and at any quantity that is reasonable. The pregnant mom's glow, the beautiful hair and nails, and the shear excitement of these exciting (and frightening) changes all make mom who she is during pregnancy.

Then one day, a beautiful, scary, and painful day, baby is born. It really is instant love. The moment they flop the baby on mom's stomach after birth she knows she wants everything wonderful for that little being. After they clean her up and hand her to mom all swaddled up and smelling of pleasant baby...the smell at that moment and the way she looks is something I can't imagine any mom would ever forget. All the thoughts of pain are gone. All the ideas of having no more children or having 50 are all gone. The fear is gone. The stress is gone. I would imagine that moment is possibly the most peaceful moment of any woman's life.

Then, days go on, mom leaves the hospital which signifies the beginning of the detachment of attention. There are no nurses and lactation consultants coming in to check on mom. No more reminders to take meds, drink water, and eat food. No more help with baby. As time goes on at home, slowly the final check ups on mom at the doctors offices come and go. All the nurses that had been calling the house now tell mom not to contact them but to call the doctor's offices. It's not that they don't care, but their job with mom is done and they have to move on now.

The hormones leave along with the glow while mom's nails start to break and her hair starts to shed again. Everything that was once carefree is now scheduled, such as showers, television time, and grocery shopping.

Mom starts to find things hard to do. Breastfeeding is difficult which makes mom feel inept that she can't feed her own child. Feeding comes in hour to three hour bursts so sleep is non-existent. If mom pumps for breast milk the schedule is worse; feeding, burping, diaper change, pump, pump clean up, make next bottles. By the time all of this happens, it's feeding time again. With all of this going on, then the lack of sleep, with the triple whammy of decreased hormones, it's no wonder mom cries at everything.

Dad has to go back to work, so when he comes home, he wants to relax instead of giving mom or baby undivided attention. [For the record, dad does a great job at giving attention and offering to stay up but stubborn mom tries to make sure he has time to relax, after all, he had to spend an entire day working]. The dogs are freaked out by the crying so they stay away from mom. Even the visitors to the house are there for the baby, not for mom. It's not to say that mom is neglected, far from it in fact, she still gets plenty of attention from people. But in comparison, mom goes from one extreme to the other in terms of attention, and she feels needy now. It seems the only other being in the whole world that would give mom undivided attention is stuck in the middle of having a screaming fit that mom has no idea what can fix it. When all the things she knows to do are exhausted, she has no sleep, no energy, and she has to call someone to come help, she pretty much feels like she's failed in some small way for that wonderful little being for which she'd do anything.

But with all that said, I have to say that I can't thank people enough. People that have written, called, and stopped by to check on us along with those people that have stopped by with food, those that have stopped by with gifts, freecylced items, and general care packages or for those that have simply answered questions that I had; you make what feels scary and unmanageable a little less frightening. For those of us that literally get by a single day at a time, the few minutes to hours that you helped have made the 24 hours I needed to get through a little bit easier.

November 20 Notes

I managed to catch the end of Riding in Cars with Boys today on HBO (free preview week) and I cried like a baby. It's, in my opinion, a cry worthy movie. Then, later in the day I watched Invictus, a much less cry worthy movie, and yet there I sat, in tears; a sign that I did indeed have a small bout of the baby blues. Crying only continued when I looked at my sweet baby and saw she was bigger than before.



The mood improved though when the Rynders stopped by the house (with food)! Thanks for stopping by guys, it was good to see you, good to have company, and good to eat warm food.

Yesterday, Sharline stopped by the house for a bit after having some blood work done at the hospital. I hope you feel better, hang in there. I'm glad you got to stop by and see the wee tiny one!

After that, we ventured out for our first excursion. We took dad to get a haircut (barber's name = Danielle Marie), we went and picked up the CD of hospital images, and ran to Target (dad and Dani sat outside). Mom stopped by later in the evening with Arbogast Cheese Dip (a.k.a. heaven). We took that opportunity to get things done around the house. Mom bought Dani her first baby doll. I cried. I then cried when my mom had to leave.

It's amazing how a person can feel so much pride and sadness at the same time. I hear this should end sooner than later, so I hope.

I want to give a quick thanks to Her and @That1EBD for the sheep! It means a lot.

Much love to friends and family...Happy Birthday Uncle Drew

post script: Dani's umbilical cord fell off today. I cried because that means she's getting older. I need to go hold her while she still wants to be held!

Pee and Poop!

I know I've skipped quite a few blog posts about baby Dani lately. To be honest, I've been too busy crying to do anything else other than to take care of Dani. Baby blues suck!

There were a couple of things I wanted to post that I didn't want to wait and post. So, very quickly, here's the long run down...



Over the weekend Dani didn't have a bowel movement for close to 48 hours. I was worried like you wouldn't believe. Good thing is, I have this amazing friend Rachel that knows babies, and she said anything (or lack of anything poopy) over 3 days is the worry point.

Dani went to the doctor on Monday, she was not quite back to her birth weight of 4 lbs 15 oz. She actually weighed out at 4 lbs 13.5 oz, and has until next Monday to be at or greater than her birth weight. Tonight, being the curious parents that we are, we weighed her. We took Chris' bio-diesel scale , placed a dinner plate on it, and placed Dani on that. [Nerdy and weird?, Yes, yes we are]. Results indicate that she is right at her birth weight, so by Monday, we should be in the clear! Way to go Dani, way to chow! (What are we feeding her? We had to supplement with formula since she wasn't feeding too well, so now we feed her a mix of half breast milk and half formula, one day maybe we'll be on straight milk, but we will just have to see how she progresses).

As I mentioned, I spent the last few days crying, but luckily I've managed to get stuff done, like adding Dani (and Chris (who has a new job)) to my insurance; taking a million photos; making lots of milk; and going through lots of diapers.

Speaking of diapers, we are not yet into any of the reusable ones yet. She's so small that they don't fit. Even the disposable newborn diapers that are a lot less bulky are still too big. I'll have to let you know how they are at a later date.

Also speaking of diapers, I was changing Dani this morning. She had a wet diaper, I clean her up and swoop the clean diaper under her butt, with just enough time to catch the pee she decided to share with me! Okay, so another diaper bites the dust, but I at least catch everything before it ends up everywhere. I gave her time to finish business in the newly moistened diaper, clean and swoop in another diaper. Can you guess what happened? This time she pooped! Alas, another diaper bites the dust, but again, I caught her with just enough time to catch everything.

So this evening I'm changing Dani (we do a lot of that around here), another wet diaper. I clean her up, go to put the new diaper on and before I quite get it under her, she shoots (yes, shoots)pee across the changing table. Now, she's no boy, so she was limited in her range, but she shot pee a good distance. Now, we've gotten the entire changing table, clothes, and new diaper. Okay, hard laughs later, I've grabbed a new diaper and sleeper. I pull off the soaked sleeper, turn to toss into the laundry basket to turn around and see she has now pooped! A nice healthy poop all over the changing table pad. Dad being the good sport that he is [sensing the sarcasm?] walked in to look, laughed and gagged for a few minutes and gagged his way back out of the room. It was amusing, I must admit. Every parent goes through it I suppose. Lucky for me, friend Erika had bought me two changing table pad covers.

Just a few quick notes otherwise... Matt Westphal (on behalf of his family) brought over some gifts for Dani; pseudo sissy Marie stopped by with some gifts and hand-me-downs (THANK YOU FOR HAND-ME-DOWNS (Sarah B., Nicki S., Erika H.)) and allowed me to get a shower; my mommy stopped by Monday and Wednesday to check in on us; coworker J. mentioned to me that her friends who also use Gingrich have had similar issues of being sent for constant monitoring and specialists who reaffirm that everything is okay; Chris' mom went to Once Upon A Child to get Dani some outfits (preemie sizes too) that fit her (and were pink); and big brother Riley and big sister Bella have been adjusting and doing well, we are so proud of the family!

Interupted Feedings

We used to have interrupted feedings because Dani would fall asleep...tonight/this morning it seems she stops feeding because she's so busy looking around at everything.

She's so sweet and amazing and intrigued!

And the Winners Are...

Baby Spann Poll...

There were a total of 25 participants...
10 people guessed boy...
15 guessed girl...

The person who guessed the correct gender and closest date (11/20/2010) was Rob V.
The person who won 50% of the pot for donating, guessing correct gender and the closest date was Marie W.

[If you think you had a different date than the one I might have listed (or gender), be sure to let me know.]

Dani Marie

Long day, lucky for me, short labor. Induced at 8:30 am, baby girl Dani Marie was born @ 9:41 am weighing 4 lbs 15 oz & 16 inches long!

My Birth Story

Admitted Friday November 5, dilated to 2 cm.

No amniocentesis on Saturday as planned, because I did not enough fluid, doctor will induce Monday since that's 37 weeks (therefore full term).

Sunday-anniversary, Chris brought flowers; he, mom, and I watched Avatar. I didn't sleep at night since I was uncomfortable (even with an Ambien). It felt like contractions in my back. I also thought it might be discomfort simply from laying in bed for so long hooked to the monitor. Melanie was my nurse, she shared some fun stories about her own babies. I got to to shower that day!

Monday morning, Chris shows up for his "shift", I eat a light breakfast talk to mom on the phone for a bit, then move to my labor room around 8 am. Kelly then comes in to break my water to speed things along, she uses the crochet needle (water runs out, feels really gross). Upon inspection, I am now dilated to 6 cm. This baby is coming with or without inducing me (appears I was in labor all night). A probe is inserted into my placenta to monitor contractions since they aren't showing up using the traditional monitor. Chris and I make predictions on birth time. Since it was 8:30 am when she broke my water, I predict 8:30 pm; Chris 9:15 pm. Mom plans on being there at 10 am. I start getting contractions while nurse Dana (pronounced Danna) hooks up my pitocin. First contraction noted in 50's, second in 80's (I request Chris call my mom and tell her to get there; I also cry because I peed myself; at some point I mention that I'm glad I'm not a dog because I'd not want to eat the placenta; Chris tells me I have Riley breath). The third was 120ish (all this happened in 30-45 minutes). I request an epidural at this point, Dana informs me I am 10 cm...the baby is ready to come out, no epidural (Chris calls mom and says, GET HERE NOW). I say, "no pain meds?", "no hon, too late"...I have a look of startled surprise as I stare at Chris. I bear hugged him off the side of the bed while the contraction kills me and all I want to do is push the baby out. I'm told to hold baby in so the crew can get there. Kelly heads back to the hospital from the office, Dana transforms the bed into the mega-labor bed, when I turn back to see the room, the audience (nurses and students (a girl named Carry was one of them)) arrive. They put my legs in stirrups. The tell me I can push. I get through one round of that and my mom showed up (just in time) came to my left side. I pushed through 3 more contractions, the head emerged and "popped" out, sudden relief. Next thing I know the baby is plopped up on me, looks blue, not making any sound. I'm looking from baby to mom (from our vantage point, we can't tell if baby is okay), no one says anything startling. Chris is peeking around at the baby (looking for gender). He gets to cut the umbilical cord, finally I ask if baby is all right, baby's not crying. Some one tells me "SHE" is fine. So it's a girl. Okay, what about the crying... The whole time Chris can see her looking around the room. He knows she's okay. They tell me she is okay, take her off to do her exams (in the room, both her 1 minute and 5 minute Apgar scores are 9, the nurse from Cardinal Glennon felt she was the healthiest small baby he's ever seen, nothing wrong with her). 4 lbs 15 oz, 16 inches long, 9:41 am. I tear badly, Kelly removes the placenta and sews me up. This is painful and disgusting. It smells bad. It takes longer to sew me up than to birth a child. Finally I get to hold my baby girl. The cameras come out. We talk about names, yes we agree, Dani Marie. Texts and calls go wild while Dana packs me up and transforms my bed back to something resembling a bed. Baby has been taken for exams at the nursery. When she comes back we breast feed. 10 minutes, not bad! Drew comes to visit. Calls from outside the room to see where he needs to go, Chris gives him directions, then realizes he outside the door. Anyway, I go to the bathroom, that was a mess, you'd think you were dying!



Things to note:

tucks pads, giant postpartum pads, mesh undies!
Hospital rooms

monitoring 117
Delivery 103
Postpartum 288

Mom bought Dani a wooden rose and her first piggy bank. Sis got me an angel pin. Becky got Dani a lavender bear and me and Chris a gift certificate to Imos. We used it Thursday.

Visitors: Mom, Chris' mom and dad, Amanda, Kim, Nick, Lenny, Becky, Drew and Dusty (though I didn't end up getting to see him since we were discharged earlier in the day).

My Anniversary

Watched Avatar today with mom and Chris. Chris brought me flowers (yellow potted flowers). Also got to shower!! Best shower I've ever had. Still being induced tomorrow.

Update from Hospital Part 2

Just a picture for the record book.

I'm really homesick and want to see my dogs. I guess though, I've been in worse spirits. At least I have my computer here at the hospital now. Free Wifi!

So here's the plan, since my amniotic fluid is on the lower side of the normal spectrum, and the baby is still small enough to really move around, they are worried that it could roll onto its umbilical cord. Since I'm 37 weeks Monday (full term), they'll likely induce labor then. Of course, the plan has changed and continues to change as time goes forward, I can't say for sure what will happen. I do know that I will be here until Monday though with the monitor hooked up to verify the baby has good movement and that my blood pressure stays low. It will as long as the doctors and midwives don't come into the room. You think I joke, but my BP's have been low all night/day, the doctor walked in, a spike! Oh well, almost over.

Update from Hospital

At the hospital, observation. Amniocentesis in the am. Possible induction, though already dilated 2 cm. Can't sleep.

November 4 Notes

Mom took me to Fairview to buy some last minute maternity items since I don't know how much longer I have. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow's appointment, which I know sounds weird, but I'm at the stage of worry now. It sort of hit me all at once, the worry. If there was such a thing as prenatal depression, I think it struck me this afternoon.

Anyway, in the home stretch...

On a side note, Happy Birthday Mom!

Paranoid

Today I brought home a work laptop to work from home. Then I went to have my second NST for the week. It was a good one, short, good BP, good movement.

Of course now, I have a new worry. I won't go into details here on the blog. I'm giving my ordeal until tomorrow, then, I will decide what to do. I hope it's the lesser of two evils.

I'm tired now...must get sleep.

Smooth Doctor Visit

It's been a while since I've had one, so I wasn't sure what to think, but I went to the doctor for a follow up appointment and it went well. BP was okay, past exams were good, and I got to leave without a visit to the hospital!

The results of the ultrasound where in too, but if I told you about that, it could skew the polls. I will have to post those pictures for you soon.

I notified coworkers today that I am going to start working half the week at home and half at the office. It's a big move that I didn't want to make, but I think it will pan out well. I know the baby will appreciate a more restful setting as opposed to the office. I look forward to the peace and quiet so I can actually get work done!

Baby is moving good, I feel not so bad, bags are starting to get packed finally,alas November is here!