Frustration

I should start this post by saying that there is nothing in the world that could change how excited and happy I am about my baby Dani. This post is rather, about the epiphany I had about why being a new mom is so frustrating.

There are a lot of factors that go into what make being a new mom so frustrating and depressing. It's not really the kid or just the baby blues alone. Yea, the non stop fussing, the lack of sleep, the constant spit up, the major change in hormones...those are all factors but not all of it. It in fact is really frustrating that there is nothing a mom can do to help her child with these things and that the crying for mom does not stop either!

For nearly 40 weeks a woman is center of everyone's attention. The spouse takes extra good care of her because she's carrying his child. Both sets of parents check in on mom frequently. If mom is lucky enough to have any issues with the doctors office she might be contacted daily by nurses, physicians, insurance case managers, etc. all wanting to know if mom has any questions. While it's completely annoying, it's good for mom to know that she's being watched especially in such an uncertain time for her (not really knowing what is good/bad safe/unsafe normal/problem). Coworkers ask daily how mom-to-be is feeling. Strangers ask about the baby (and then even more bizarre questions). The dogs know something is happening and want to be around mom as much as possible (maybe even trying to sit on mom's stomach). Mom has this thing that wriggles around inside her; slight flutters, kicks, nudges, rolls, and more. She knows she'll be different after the birth, she knows she'll be so happy to have the baby in her arms, she knows she won't miss the lung and bladder kicks and yet, she knows she'll miss every moment of it. For as long as she started feeling the movements, she was never alone always having her parasitic buddy right there touching her. For mom it's amazing to know that it takes years to design and build a new structure and yet only 40 weeks to make this perfect little being that hangs out with mom every single day.

Then there's things like help around the house and eating. Mom gets to ease into the role of being pregnant. She does her routine things and then slowly mom realizes that she just can't keep at it so dad chips in on those tasks. Eating is pleasurable as well. With some discretion, mom can eat whatever, whenever, and at any quantity that is reasonable. The pregnant mom's glow, the beautiful hair and nails, and the shear excitement of these exciting (and frightening) changes all make mom who she is during pregnancy.

Then one day, a beautiful, scary, and painful day, baby is born. It really is instant love. The moment they flop the baby on mom's stomach after birth she knows she wants everything wonderful for that little being. After they clean her up and hand her to mom all swaddled up and smelling of pleasant baby...the smell at that moment and the way she looks is something I can't imagine any mom would ever forget. All the thoughts of pain are gone. All the ideas of having no more children or having 50 are all gone. The fear is gone. The stress is gone. I would imagine that moment is possibly the most peaceful moment of any woman's life.

Then, days go on, mom leaves the hospital which signifies the beginning of the detachment of attention. There are no nurses and lactation consultants coming in to check on mom. No more reminders to take meds, drink water, and eat food. No more help with baby. As time goes on at home, slowly the final check ups on mom at the doctors offices come and go. All the nurses that had been calling the house now tell mom not to contact them but to call the doctor's offices. It's not that they don't care, but their job with mom is done and they have to move on now.

The hormones leave along with the glow while mom's nails start to break and her hair starts to shed again. Everything that was once carefree is now scheduled, such as showers, television time, and grocery shopping.

Mom starts to find things hard to do. Breastfeeding is difficult which makes mom feel inept that she can't feed her own child. Feeding comes in hour to three hour bursts so sleep is non-existent. If mom pumps for breast milk the schedule is worse; feeding, burping, diaper change, pump, pump clean up, make next bottles. By the time all of this happens, it's feeding time again. With all of this going on, then the lack of sleep, with the triple whammy of decreased hormones, it's no wonder mom cries at everything.

Dad has to go back to work, so when he comes home, he wants to relax instead of giving mom or baby undivided attention. [For the record, dad does a great job at giving attention and offering to stay up but stubborn mom tries to make sure he has time to relax, after all, he had to spend an entire day working]. The dogs are freaked out by the crying so they stay away from mom. Even the visitors to the house are there for the baby, not for mom. It's not to say that mom is neglected, far from it in fact, she still gets plenty of attention from people. But in comparison, mom goes from one extreme to the other in terms of attention, and she feels needy now. It seems the only other being in the whole world that would give mom undivided attention is stuck in the middle of having a screaming fit that mom has no idea what can fix it. When all the things she knows to do are exhausted, she has no sleep, no energy, and she has to call someone to come help, she pretty much feels like she's failed in some small way for that wonderful little being for which she'd do anything.

But with all that said, I have to say that I can't thank people enough. People that have written, called, and stopped by to check on us along with those people that have stopped by with food, those that have stopped by with gifts, freecylced items, and general care packages or for those that have simply answered questions that I had; you make what feels scary and unmanageable a little less frightening. For those of us that literally get by a single day at a time, the few minutes to hours that you helped have made the 24 hours I needed to get through a little bit easier.